WHAT IS IT?

(no stars...not even close)

Director:
Crispin Hellion Glover

Writer:
Crispin Hellion Glover

What is "WHAT IS IT?" You may ask, and I may answer "I have no fucking clue." This is without a doubt the weirdest, most random film I will ever review on this blog. Oh yes! Even more random than anything Lynch, Maddin, or Korine can throw my way. Compared to Glover, those guys are Joseph Campbell! This film is so random that the only way to review it is by matching it random bit for random bit. My apologies for what follows, but if you saw the movie you'd understand. Here we go!

Snail's talking in whispers and then screaming when a down syndrome kid pours salt on them. Snails voiced by Fairuza Balk from "THE CRAFT". Glover is the devil. An old guy with cerebral palsy getting a blow job from a girl in a monkey mask. Another girl in an animal mask with massive breasts walking around a fog shrouded set right out of "PLAN 9". Glover is the lead kid's inner-psyche. Down syndrome kids performing their own version of "FIGHT CLUB". Shirley Temple. Nazis. Labias. People in black-face and snail juice. Thrones. Seriously deformed people in flanel. Racist Johnny Rebel music. Golden halos of holly. People stoning the down syndrome kids. Shovels hitting lopsided heads. Watermelons being smashed. Giant clams. Big, weird, giant clams. Handicapped blowjobs. Detergent box puppets. Papier Mache volcanoes. Glover is pissing me off. Overly made-up handi-capables coming on to Glover, wanting to be his girlfriend. A praying mantis eating a retarded person. No Script. No point. No reason to exist.

I think you get the idea what this 72 minute waste of time is all about. Glover calls it a reaction to Hollywood bullshit and apparently fills the film with tons and tons of symbolism. That's all well and good, but when the film in actuality amounts to absolutely nothing then its just as bad as the Hollywood trash he's raging against. The images mean nothing and the casting of people with down syndrome was not a stunt, according to Glover, but what does it mean then? Only retarded people would appear in his films? What does that say about Fairuza balk?

Is this art? Well, yeah, by definition it is. Does it force us to open our eyes to the world around us and see things different? No, not really. Is it a powerful statement about anything? No, nothing. Does it help us reevaluate anything? No. The film serves no purpose except maybe to waste your time, money, and faith in experimental cinema.

I was really hoping for an interesting art film with some unique elements, but what I got turned my stomach and worse than that, it bored me. Glover will not say what the film is about, and I wager it is because he has no clue. I will also wager he takes a lot of non-perscription drugs. The funny thing is that he is a very personable and regular guy in real life. In fact, the only way to see this un-masterpiece is to attend one of Glover's roadshows, which I did. The best part was when he read from his equally bizarre and pointless books, because he came alive as a person and an artist. In this film, he basically sends experimental film a thousand years back. I can gaurantee that this slow, turgid, unsufferable and incredibly politically incorrect piece of garbage will not be gracing your TVs anytime soon. That being said, if you can find this turd, get it! It'd make for one hell of a MST3K night! I guarentee you that you won't believe your eyes.

VERDICT:

This severely perverse and ridiculous film is neither enjoyable or interesting. Only the pain-loving film freaks would get anything out of this tortuous and pointless waste of time, and that is only if they can ever find it! But why would you look?